Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Sabrina's Brochure Spotlight: Paramount's Carowinds 2005

"Paramount's" Carowinds? Sigh. That's so 2005. It sure seems like forever and a day ago, doesn't it? We're about to find out exactly how much can change at a park over the span of a few years.

The brochure cover sets the tone. This is a Paramount park. It's movies. It's Hollywood. It's red carpet. And in 2005, it was Nickelodeon fever.

Oh my gosh, I...I'm seeing double!! No wait...PHEW. The panels just don't line up correctly in the middle. <foreshadowing>Gee, I hope we don't see anymore of that in this brochure.</foreshadowing> [Geek humor and literary humor in the same sentence. Gotta love it.]

Pardon my digression. I must have been overwhelmed by the wall of SpongeBob, Dora, and Rugrats that just assaulted my senses. Carowinds' Nickelodeon Central saw the addition of five new attractions in two thousand five, rendering the area five times larger than before! Do you think Superhuman Danny Phantom cried five times as hard upon discovering that he and his pals would be booted from the park at the close of the 2009 season? Charlie Brown, you blockhead! On the bright side, at least he has a sponge.

What the heck is Borg Assimilator? Can't seem to find it on this year's park map. Top what? Never heard of it. I better go back to the School of Rock and learn myself some Cedar Fair-ese. We don't take kindly to expensive ride (or themed area) names in these parts anymore. But the Borg were alive and well at Carowinds in 2005, and from what I gather from their subtle "teen thrills" messaging, they were intent on assimilating some young'uns into their fold. Thank you, merciful Cedar Fair, for saving our race from homogenization!

And here we have Water Works and Thunder Road squared. A double dose of wet and wild fun. Twice the excitement for your dollar. [Enough? Okay. But that duplication of image parts is really, really annoying...]

From a pint-size five-fer [even better than a two-fer, Mike!] to teen assimilation, and now bring on the family fun. This brochure promises that all of these attractions are "blockbuster hits". Not so with the names, apparently, as Cedar Fair has since transformed Water Works into Boomerang Bay. Better hope that change doesn't come back to haunt them, eh?

Speaking of haunts, at least "Scarowinds" hasn't been stripped of its dignity. Sure, it's got an apostrophe and a "Halloween Haunt" tacked onto it now as opposed to the microscopic "Haunted Theme Park" tag line that appears in this brochure, but even Cedar Fair knows better than to mess with such a fitting moniker. Besides, you just can't beat the price!

From blockbusters to beagles, Carowinds sure has seen a lot of changes since its Paramount days. But don't you fret, because they are up to the challenge. By gosh, those Carolinians aren't intimidated by anything...